Posts Tagged ‘value’

Insecurity

October 22, 2022

Pentecost 20 – 2022
Luke 18:15-30
Marian Free

In the name of God who loves each one of us unreservedly. Amen.

In my university days I once volunteered to help out at a YMCA camp. The children were of primary school age and my task was to improve the adult/child ratio. It was an exhausting week but mostly it was fun as I enjoy being with and encouraging young people. One thing did disturb me though. When the children arrived, one young boy was pointed out to me: “Keep an eye on him. He’s an attention seeker,” I was told. Over the course of the camp, I was able to spend time with this boy – I’ll call him James – because he was often left on his own by the other children. On more than one occasion, James and I sat next to each other on the bus, and we had some great conversations. I never saw James acting out. Indeed, it seemed to me that James was a polite, well-behaved young person who had a degree of maturity for his age.

James was the son of busy parents and I think he was glad to have an adult take notice of him. I came to understand that if he was, as the other leaders said, “an attention seeker” then it was because he desperately needed attention. My observation was that his so-called “attention-seeking” was a reasonable response to not having had enough attention paid to him. He needed, or so it seemed to me, to be reassured that he was of value, that he was worth something to others. Any sort of attention – positive or negative – told him that he was seen, reassured him that he was not invisible. The fact that I took notice of him meant that he didn’t feel that he had to do anything to be of value to me. He could relax and be the well-behaved, pleasant child that he really was.

I have always been child-focussed, but meeting James was a great eye-opener for me. James was not, as I had been led to believe, a disruptive child. He was a good child who had been deprived of attention and therefore would do anything to ensure that he was noticed even if that being noticed was to be punished. In his mind, any attention was good attention.

It must be awful to be so unsure of one’s place in the world that one feels a constant need to be affirmed. This sort of insecurity can be observed not only in children, but in adults who try to fill the void inside themselves by making others focus on themselves or on their achievements. The overachievers, the playboys, those who affect shyness – I’m sure you can add to the list – are all driven by a need to feel that they are of value, that they have a place in the world.

In today’s gospel a certain ruler approaches Jesus with a question. “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” As I pondered this encounter I began to wonder why the ruler needed Jesus to reassure, to affirm him. As the gospel tells us, the ruler already knew what he must do: ‘not commit adultery; not murder; not steal; not bear false witness; and honour his father and mother.’ It is simple enough – or so we would think. Most of us would feel that we had ticked all these boxes. The ruler certainly has. Why then does he need reassurance from Jesus? What deep well of emptiness does he need to fill by having Jesus affirm his worth? Who has taught him that God will not welcome him unless he meets some exacting standard? What insecurities is his wealth papering over?

Of course, we will never know why the ruler felt so insecure or why he felt that, even though he fulfilled as the requirements, he was not confident of his place before God. What the story tells us though is that his wealth played a significant role in his life. Indeed, his possessions were so important for his sense of well-being that he could not let them go. It seems that he needed the comfort that they gave him in the present as much as he needed assurance about the future.

It is one thing to be unsure of our place in the world, but how much worse must it be to be unsure of our place before God?

Yet the church, or parts of the church, have created an image of God who only welcomes those who behave in a particular way, who meet certain standards and who never stray from the straight and narrow. There are people – good, churchgoing, faithful people – – who are uncertain of God’s love for them. There are people – good, churchgoing, faithful people – who are convinced that they don’t meet the conditions that God expects. There are people – good, churchgoing, faithful people – whose self-esteem is so low that they cannot believe that God could love them. And there are people – good, churchgoing, faithful people – who have not heard, or who have never been assured of God’s unconditional, boundless love.

I hope that you are not one of those people. I hope that you do not feel that there are certain criteria that you have to meet in order for you to inherit eternal life. I hope that this story (or any other) hasn’t been used to make you feel guilty about what you own , what you do or what you don’t do.

God who in Jesus came to an undeserving people as a vulnerable child, God who in Jesus’ demonstrated unconditional love to sinners and to the marginalised, and God, who in Jesus willingly went to the cross, is a God who will do absolutely anything to prove how much God loves us. All God wants in return is that we allow ourselves to be loved, that we believe in God’s love for us and believing in that love that we become whole.

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Hearing the cries of the oppressed

August 15, 2020

Pentecost 11 – 2020

Matthew 15:21-28 (some thoughts)

Marian Free

In the name of God who is dynamic and active not confined by human imagination. Amen.

Sometimes it takes spontaneous movements to bring about institutional change (the Arab spring for eg) and sometimes it is the quiet persistence of just one person that sets a ball rolling that starts a chain of events that lead to real and lasting change.  In 1955, on a bus in Montgomery, Alabama Rosa Parkes refused to stand for a white man. Her action inspired the Montgomery Bus boycott which lasted for over a year at the end of which the United States Supreme Court ruled that segregation was unconstitutional. In turn the boycott gave courage to the millions of disenfranchised and disenchanted black Americans who under Martin Luther King began the civil rights movement. Later, in 1977 Harvey Milk was elected as a city supervisor in the city of San Francisco. Milk had become increasingly politicized – in particular by the prejudice and discrimination he witnessed and experienced as a gay man. It has been claimed that Milk was the most famous and significant  LGBT official elected in the United States. His time in office was short lived. Milk was assassinated by a disgruntled city supervisor eleven months after being elected to office. Milk served almost eleven months in office, during which he sponsored a bill banning discrimination in public accommodations, housing, and employment on the basis of sexual orientation. His impact was acknowledged in 2009 when he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Parkes and Milk and numerous others demonstrate that quiet, firm persistence, an awareness of one’s own worth and an insistence that that worth be recognized can overturn unjust institutions and prejudicial laws.

The woman from Canaan was one such person. Jesus’ refusal to respond to her request did not deter her. She had a clear sense of her own value (and that of her daughter). Neither Jesus’ silence nor his disciples’ demand that Jesus send her away had the capacity to make her feel underserving of his notice. She would not allow them to ignore or demean her. Even when Jesus tried to defend his response – claiming that her daughter’s distress was not his problem, the woman stood firm, she engaged him in debate and in so doing convinced Jesus of the justness of her cause. As a consequence of the actions of the woman, the whole course of history was changed. Jesus’ claim that he was sent ‘only to the lost sheep of Israel’ was successfully challenged and, as the letters of Paul make clear, the definition of Israel was broadened to include not only those of Jewish descent, but all those who believed in Jesus.

We are all created in the image of God. None of us should feel that we deserve to be demeaned, put down or put upon. Confident in God’s love, each of us should be able to be certain of our place in the world and entitled to claim it. More importantly, those of us who are privileged by virtue of our place of birth, our education or our income should be willing to hear the voices of the oppressed, the marginalised, the disadvantaged and the disenfranchised.

Despite his hesitation, Jesus responded to the woman’s plea and to her argument. So we too should be open to having our opinions, our values and our prejudices challenged and changed.

If through our own parochialism, ignorance or arrogance, we remain deaf to the cries of others, we may find ourselves thwarting the will of God.

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Known and loved

March 30, 2019

Lent 4 – 2019

Luke 15:1-3,11b-32

Marian Free

In the name of God, whose love for us is not determined by what we do or don’t do, but is freely poured out on us all. Amen.

There is a wonderful movie based on the book The Joy Luck Club. The novel follows the lives of four Chinese women who, for quite different reasons, have fled China and found themselves in the United States. There they all marry and have children and form a strong familial bond such that their children could be cousins. We witness the children growing up and the competition between the mothers as the children excel at chess, at the piano, at school and then in the work place. On the whole, the off spring are noisy and self confident high achievers. One, June, does not fit the mould. At ‘family’ gatherings she stays in the background. June doesn’t want to compete with her cousins, she lacks their confidence and selfishness and is always putting the others before herself. At family gatherings it is June who takes the smallest portion of a choice dish and it is she who is to be found helping out with the cleaning up while the other cousins are chatting among themselves.

One evening June, who has made the choice to help her mother rather than sit with her cousins, bristles with resentment (at least as much as someone as sweet as June, can bristle). Even though she willingly helps out, on this particular evening she feels taken for granted. She complains to her mother who responds: “I see you. I see you taking the worst piece of crab when your cousins take the best. I see you looking after your aunties. I see you helping out. I see you.” “I see you.”

June had thought that her actions went unnoticed and that her mother preferred her more confident, higher achieving ‘cousins’, but all along her mother knew her and saw her. June’s quiet help had not gone unnoticed. Her gentle and unobtrusive presence was seen and valued. Knowing this is enough for June. Until now June hadn’t needed or sought reward for her behaviour, but this evening she want to know that she was not unappreciated or invisible. Her mother’s affirmation is sufficient reassurance. She knows that she doesn’t have to compete with her cousins. She understands that she is valued for who she is and that is enough.

I don’t know anyone who does not identify with the older son in today’s parable. Whether it is because we ourselves are an older sibling or whether our sense of justice is deeply offended at the father’s inexplicable generosity towards the son who squandered his inheritance we all sympathize with the older brother who is hurt and angry. After all, we think, he is the good son. He hasn’t rocked the boat. He has quietly, willingly and diligently done all that was expected of him. Why should the younger brother be rewarded and the older son ignored?

We feel this way because we fail to see is that like June, until now the older brother has not felt that he was missing out, or if he did, he had not talked it over with his father. He has simply, and presumably happily, been doing what was expected of him. He has been the dutiful son. He hasn’t sought a reward for doing what was right but, seeing the father’s generosity towards his brother, he becomes aware that he could have had more. Perhaps like June, he had always wanted some reassurance that his conforming to social norms was valued and that his work was not unseen. Or perhaps all along he has been desperate for his father to acknowledge and reward his good behaviour. He may even have been going above and beyond what was expected in a misguided attempt to earn his father’s respect. His resentment, hitherto unnamed and perhaps unrecognized comes bubbling to the surface when his brother- the one who has disgraced himself and brought shame to his family – appears to be being rewarded not for good behaviour, but for bad behaviour. He, the older brother, is the one who should have been rewarded. He is the one to whom the father should have paid some attention. His is the hard work that should have been recognized.

Sadly, like June, the older son hasn’t understood his father’s love for him. Like June he has failed to identify his need for affirmation and he is mistaken in his father’s regard for him. He has not been taken for granted. His readiness to do what was required has not been ignored. If only he knew it he already has everything that belongs to the father. If only he realised that father has not asked or expected him to make sacrifices or to go without. Quite unnecessarily, the older son has made a martyr of himself. He did not accept that his father’s love and regard were freely given and now, when he sees what he could have had, he seethes with resentment. His relationship with his father was based on the false understanding that his father’s love needed to be earned. This is why he simply cannot understand that his father could welcome back his brother without exacting some retribution or imposing some punishment. He has so misunderstood his father’s regard for him that no amount of pleading will get him to go inside to the party – further demonstrating his lack of comprehension of the nature of father’s love.

So – if you identify with the older son ask yourself this – are you doing things you would rather not do because you think you need to? Are you being a martyr in the secret hope that you will be rewarded? Do you have it in your head that you/we need to earn God’s love or approval? Is your relationship with God such that you do not yet understand that God is always reaching out to you and constantly inviting you to the party?

None of us are perfect, yet here we all are – being held and loved by God.

If we resent God’s generosity towards those we consider to be less deserving perhaps it is because we do not yet know and value God generosity towards and love for us.

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The end is nigh

December 1, 2018

Advent 1 – 2018

Luke 21:25-38

Marian Free

In the name of God whose love for us knows no bounds. Amen.

Many years ago, long before I was ordained, I met Leanne. Leanne was about 20 years older than I, worshipped at the same church and was a member of the Bible Study group. Sadly, Leanne suffered from depression. Despite treatment and medication, she could never shake the feeling that she was worthless and unlovable. One day Leanne told us the following story. On one particular day Leanne’s mother was coming to visit. Leanne was excited, but she knew that her mother had exacting standards. She spent the whole day ensuring that the house was spotless and baking delicious things for her mother to eat. The hour arrived and knowing that everything was ready, Leanne ran out to greet her mother. Imagine how deflated she felt when, instead of reciprocating her excitement and joy, her mother simply said: “What on earth are you doing outside with your apron on?”

No wonder Leanne struggled to believe that she had value. Throughout her life she had been made to feel that she had failed to meet her mother’s expectations. This left her feeling that no matter how hard she tried she was never going to be good enough. When I heard the story, I wanted to hold Leanne for as long as it took for all that negativity to be erased. I imagined the child, the growing girl, the young woman and the now middle-aged person before me, always trying and never succeeding, to be the person whom her mother expected her to be. No wonder she suffered from depression. No wonder Leanne struggled to believe in herself. All her life she had been held in the balance and found wanting.

For some Christians, this is how it is with God. They have been brought up to believe that God is watching and judging everything that they do; that God is somewhere with a set of scales measuring them against an impossibly high ideal. Sadly, a great number of people who claim to be Christians cannot believe that they are lovable, and they certainly cannot believe either that God is love or that God loves them. 

I know that on another occasion I told you the story of a beautiful, gentle man who, in his eighties, could not sleep at night because he was so afraid of dying. He was sure that something he had done in the distant past meant that God had withdrawn God’s approval and love. When he was a child, his well-meaning grandmother had drummed in to him the eternal consequences of bad behaviour. As he drew nearer to his death, he was certain that whatever it was that he had done in the distant past would send him to the fires of hell.   

Can you imagine going through your whole life not knowing how much God loved you? Can you imagine living in terror of God, believing that it was God’s desire and intention to destroy you if you failed to meet God’s expectations? Can you imagine spending a life-time trying to achieve some unrealistic standard of perfection in order to be loved, or to avoid being punished? I can’t. I can’t think why you would bring a child into the world in order to berate and belittle that child. And I can’t conceive of God the creator bringing humankind into being simply to satisfy some egotistical need to dominate or to be feared.

Ideas about an all-powerful, all-demanding God do not emerge from a vacuum. They are developed from imagery of the end-time such as that in today’s gospel, especially verse 34: “Be on guard so that your hearts are not weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of this life, and that day catch you unexpectedly”. And in 1 Thessalonians 3:13: “May you be blameless before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.”

It is all too easy, for those who are so inclined, to build a picture in which God is relentlessly demanding, unyielding and unforgiving. To do that, one also has to ignore the texts in which God is endlessly compassionate, accommodating and forbearing. One has to close one’s mind to the story of creation in which God declares humankind to be “very good”. Above all, one has to forget that in Jesus God gave Godself completely and unreservedly to and for those who had done nothing to deserve such a gift and who continue to be undeserving.

Not that I would suggest for one moment that we ignore or gloss over the vivid descriptions of Jesus’ return, or of the time of judgement. Those of us who know ourselves to be secure in God’s love must be warned from time to time that we should not take that love for granted. Those of us who have long since stopped expecting Jesus’ return need to be reminded that God will come and at a time when God is least expected. Those of us who have fallen into a cosy, comfortable relationship with God have to be pulled up short so that we do not forget that the Creator of the Universe is all-powerful, almighty and awe-inspiring. 

Today’s readings are not necessarily meant to stun us into shocked terror or to keep us in a state of heightened alertness and anxiety. But they do serve a purpose. They prevent us from falling into error, they stop us from having a narrow view of the God of the universe and they challenge us to respond with gratitude to God’s overwhelming goodness and love.

This Advent let the promise of Jesus’ return pierce the numbness and the complacency born out of centuries of Jesus’ non-appearance. 

Let it increase the anticipation, the confidence that Jesus’ coming willshatter the peace, explode the norms and reveal the world for what it really is.

Let Jesus’ coming shake us out of our comfort zones and remind us that God is so much more than our limited minds will ever be able to imagine.

God, the God who loves us so much more than we can ever desire or deserve, is an awesome, terrifying God in whose presence we will fall to our knees in holy fear. 

God willcome. Let us not be lulled into a false sense of security, but make sure that we are ready for an event that might just disturb the whole cosmos and at the very least will shake us to our core.

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